Oh Wildflowers, Will You Decide To Live Or Die?
It was almost the end of 2024, and I was confused and strangely thrilled about being alive.
I remembered hesitating over the question: “How often have you thought about harming yourself in the past two weeks?” — a question the doctor from the foundation asked me durig every mental health counselling session from July to September.
I didn’t actually think about harming myself, but I often imagined being killed in an accident — crossing the street, caught in traffic. I used to believe that death was the answer to all these problems. After my father died when I was 19, I thought his death might have ended their marriage problems, that maybe things would finally get better. But my mother continued to carry her traumas, and my siblings and I somehow became stand-ins for the problems he left behind.
Now, I’ve started to believe that death might have brought peace to my father — but not to those of us still surviving. In November, I had a motorcycle accident on a mountain spiral road. I knew an accident was inevitable the moment my friend, who was driving, lost control of the speed. I held him tight and tried to stay calm, even as I realised we were about to crash — and that I might die.
But unexpectedly, I survived. I only had some injuries, and I was still alive. Whenever I tell my friends about the accident, they always ask me, “Why didn’t you jump off and escape?” I never know how to answer.I'm not sure they would understand.
I don’t even have a photograph of my father. I wish I knew what he was thinking in his last moment. Did he struggle to stay? Or did he quietly let go?
I walked through the streets as usual and noticed a few melancholic scenes along the way. I took a day trip to the mountains — it was the weekend before New Year's Eve, and the place was crowded with visitors.
I found myself wondering what they were thinking about life and death.
Did they all hope to live through the coming year?
It was the wildflower season. The sky, the mountains, and everything around me looked spectacular in the soft sunlight.
I wanted to forget all the tragedies of this year — just for a moment — and let myself touch the wildflowers in the breeze.